Ask anyone that knows me how they would describe me—I guarantee that one of the most frequent things you’ll hear is, “He’s a hopeless romantic,” and if they don’t outright blatantly say it they’ll hint toward it very slyly.
I am a hopeless romantic. It is no lie. Is it a good trait? Is it a bad trait? Is it a bit of both? I honestly don’t know any of the answers to those questions. But I do believe, in my own personal opinion, that it can be a bit of both. Love is a beautiful thing. The best thing ever. I’ve experienced it. I’ve breathed it. Nothing quite compares.
As you know, from my first blog, I went into great detail about my first true love. That story was and is still very near and dear to my heart, although the relationship is truly over. Ever since that relationship, however, I’ve found it hard to move forward. Every attempt I’ve made, thus far, has turned out fruitless. Nothing ever comes of any step I make. I can’t begin to explain how hard I’ve wracked my brain trying to figure out ways to move on. At first, I think I was unwilling to move forward—but now I’d give anything to be able to love and be loved in return.
Now, what I’m about to tell you is my own personal story—but the theme in it is one you all will probably immediately recognize. This theme has been featured in literature, film, television, et cetera. So, what is this tales theme? Well, it’s a theme I’m sure every hopeless romantic has encountered at least once in their lives—unrequited love.
On January 21st, 2010 it became pretty clear that I was more than eager to move forward with my love life—I had my first real date in a very long time. This date was with someone, no surprise here, that I met on a dating site. The chemistry was there—I’d no doubt. We had talked for several weeks prior to our actually date. His name? Well let’s just call him Bryan.
Right from the moment I saw him, I knew he was the one I was meant to move forward with. Thankfully, my mother saw it too. She exclaimed that Bryan and I had more chemistry than Maria and me. From what I could tell, Bryan felt the same way. He couldn’t take his eyes off of me. I, of course, couldn’t keep mine off of him either. There was a spark between us that I’d never really felt that strong before.
We had the usual date—dinner and a movie, except we did it backward. The whole time during the movie I wanted to hold his hand, but I am a bit shy when it comes to that sort of thing, (which is strange considering I’m really outgoing most of the time). Needless to say, the holding hands during the movie thing never happened. We then headed to a fancy restaurant for dinner, McDonald’s. While we ate we actually got to have a meaningful conversation. Unsurprisingly, the topic Bryan soon brought up was that of my sexuality. “Why, if you’re bisexual, not just date a girl instead of a guy? I mean, I know I would if I was even remotely attracted to them.” I didn’t really have to contemplate that question for too long, though. “Well, ever since Maria,” I began, “I haven’t really felt that strong of an attraction to another girl. I guess you could say Maria’s the only girl I’ll ever really love truly.” The reply seemed to somewhat satisfy Bryan’s curiosity.
The conversation, during our meal, took several turns. We then began talking about how strict and unaccepting his parents were about his sexuality. I felt for him as he told me, sadly, that every night his parents prayed he’d become straight. I just wanted to comfort him as he addressed his fears. I wanted to remind him that he wasn’t alone. I guess it was even easier for me to understand where he was coming from considering we both came from Mormon (LDS) backgrounds.
Well, on our ride back to my house he soon did something that caught me off guard, (he is a really shy person), he opened up his hand—eagerly I placed mine into his and they soon intertwined. He soon admitted he’d wanted to do that during the movie, too. It felt right, it felt perfect. Right then I was more than sure that this was the real thing.
After a short visit, Bryan soon had to head back home. As I walked him to his car I became very nervous, as I’m sure everyone does after an amazing date. Will we kiss? Will we hug? Will we do both? Will we do neither? Well, as my mind and heart raced at the possibilities Bryan soon asked if we could kiss. My heart was thumping now. I soon leaned in for the kiss and it was so intense, so passionate, and so real. Really, the only way I can even begin to describe how I felt would be to use this quote from Drew Barrymore’s character Josie Gellar in the movie Never Been Kissed, “That moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time.”
Well, needless to say, we kissed and hugged several times. Geez, even the hug was fantastic. Oh, and for a touch of comedic proportions—during one of our intense kisses one of the guys at my house, who was laying carpet for us, came out and saw us. Let’s just say he couldn’t seem to take his eyes away—even when he tried. It was quite funny and was surprisingly not awkward at all. Bryan, however, soon asked me if we should stop. He didn’t want me to keep going if I didn’t want to. I soon told him, “Why stop? I am proud of who I am. I have nothing to hide,” the answer seemed to suit him well and we continued kissing.
So, as he prepared to leave I soon asked him one last question, “So, does this mean we’re officially boyfriends?” and much to my chagrin he replied, “Yep!” I was so happy and ecstatic. At last, I was moving forward—but not with just anyone, with someone who I actually clicked with and had an undeniable chemistry.
Unfortunately, this fairy tale that suddenly seemed to be blooming for me eventually turned into a cruel joke. After a couple of days I noticed that Bryan wasn’t really acting like himself. Something was off. Something wasn’t right. So, I did what I always do—I put on a brave front and asked him if everything was okay between us, even though deep down inside I was shaking in fear.
Sadly, Bryan soon told me that it was over. He suddenly realized he had no feelings for me. He was simply, “just caught in the moment.” My heart, my soul, my whole life was crushed. I am a hopeless romantic. I fall fast. I fall hard. I loved him—I love him. Even as I’m writing this I pray that maybe he’ll open his eyes and love me too.
But, alas, this story is about unrequited love. Distraught, one day I asked him what I did to make him call it off. Sadly, he didn’t have any concrete answers for me. He didn’t let me know what I did or what I need to improve on. He just simply said, “…you just need to get your life on track.”
The world can get you down. It’s no secret. After this whole event I spiraled down an endless staircase of negativity. But now I’m ready to brush off the dirt and mud that I’ve been swimming in and start over. My heart is still broken. It’s crushed, to be honest. But life is what you make of it. I’m tired of living a tragedy. I’m tired of hearing, “You’re not my type,” I’ve heard one too many times. Now it’s time for me to move forward. To combat all of the negative energy that engulfs me with positivity and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
So, this goes out to anyone who has ever fallen in love with someone and never had the feeling reciprocated. You’re an amazing person. There is nothing wrong with you. You are loveable. I may know you. I may not. Either way I love you. I know that it hurts. I know that the pain never truly goes away—but just know that you’re never alone. In the end, this event will make you grow into an even better person. I know it. You know it.
Life is Beautiful.
