Love Gone Wrong

Heartbreak is one of the most painful emotions that anyone can go through. So, right now I'm going to let you get a taste of this emotion, heartbreak, via my own experience. I was only in 7th grade when I met the girl I knew was the one for me. Being a hopeless romantic I vowed to myself that I'd get her to fall in love with me. Unfortunately, at this time, the girl had to break my heart and tell me that she saw me simply as a "really good friend." I, of course, was heartbroken. I don't know if you believe anyone at that young of age can feel love—but I know that I did.
Time went on and the girl, we'll call her Maria, and I maintained our friendship as I tried to get over her. Well, come one day as we were talking Maria ended up telling me that she liked a boy in our Math class, we'll call him Jake. Jake was everything I wasn't. He was good looking, smart, and a real charmer. Let's just say the green monster found me quickly. That's when I came up with an ingenious plan, or so I thought. I would simply make Maria jealous too!
A couple of weeks later I was still without a plan. I didn't know how to make her jealous—I certainly wasn't considering dating someone else. Well, it was a cold February and it was the day of the school Valentine's Dance and I prayed that there would be some way to at least get closer with Maria—and surprisingly, I was lucky enough to have just that happen! Maria's friends had noticed that I'd been staring at her and smiling at her so they talked her into dancing with me. Let's just say it was wonderful. She and I connected perfectly and right then and there I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to be with her forever.
As quickly as that slow dance had begun, it seemed like it ended even quicker. Maria and I soon parted ways and never got the chance to talk again for the rest of the night. I knew that things were already going back to the way they were and I hated it.
Well, after the dance had ended a beautiful girl who had been staring at me for the longest time suddenly walked up to me and introduced herself as, let's say her name is, Theresa. Theresa then said that she thought I was really cute, which flattered me, and then before I knew it she asked for a pen and began writing her number down on my hand. To my liking, Maria saw the whole process taking place. Right as Theresa left Maria rushed toward me. "Do you know who she is?" she asked me with genuine concern. "No, but I do know her name is Theresa," I replied, always using humor anytime I felt a little awkward. "She's basically the school slut," Maria warned me, "just be careful, I wouldn't get involved with her if I were you." I, of course, thanked Maria for her concern and as she walked away I danced a happy dance. I'd obviously succeeded in making her jealous—but that wasn't good enough. I wanted her to 100% want me. So, that night when I got home, I dialed Theresa's number. I can't honestly remember what I was thinking—but I believe that it was something along the lines of, "I am just gonna ask Theresa to help me make Maria jealous."
Well, as Theresa and I began talking it became very clear that Theresa knew I had a thing for Maria. She then began apologizing, noting that I must be very sad that Maria didn't feel the exact same way. Well, one thing led to another that night when I suddenly and unexpectedly asked Theresa to be my girlfriend. She accepted, happily.
The next day it seemed like everyone knew Theresa and I were together—which was perfect means I wanted Maria to know that I'd "moved on." Now, I wasn't that popular but Theresa was, so a lot of people were in awe that a nobody like me got a somebody like her.
Well, as that day wound down to a close, Maria stopped me and I knew right then and there that I'd succeeded in making her want me. Sadly, I learned that you can't force those feelings on anyone. Maria just solemnly wished me the best and said that she was happy for me and hoped that I, in turn, was happy also.
So, my attempt had failed. I didn't make her jealous—or, at least, at the time I didn't think that I did. So, now what? Here I was in a relationship with someone who I knew I had no feelings for and I was heartbroken beyond belief.
Well, being a love addict, I foolishly believed that I could cure my broken heart by convincing myself to fall in love with Theresa. It was hard, but I was determined to get over Maria one way or another. Moving on, at first, was really hard. But soon Theresa began telling me things that she "heard" Maria saying. Supposedly, Maria had said, "He's such a loser, I feel bad for anyone that is with him!" and other rude comments like that. My heart was even further broken, as I believed Theresa's word 100%.
Time went on and before I knew it I was actually falling for Theresa. She'd been everything I wanted—or rather, everything I thought that I wanted. But sadly, I eventually learned that Theresa was cheating on me—with a girl. After this, and a series of other bad events, I eventually called it quits with Theresa. I was destroyed inside. It didn't help that Theresa also spread rumors that I was gay because I wouldn't sleep with her.
Thankfully, Maria was there, like usual, to comfort me and make me feel less stupid. She built me up and made me feel like there was something worth going on for. Let's just say that all of the feelings I'd been trying to repress boiled up, once again, to the surface.
Things went on as usual, however, for the longest time. Even to the time I announced I was leaving due to all of the harassment. Maria was sad, but she still didn't dare tell me how she felt, even though I could read it on her face.
Well, time past by, I'd dated other people and tried to move on with my life as normally as I could. I tried forgetting the past and vowed to move on and never look back. At first, I was actually really successful. Eventually, Maria and my old school began to become distant memories. The future was looking good yet again.
However, I soon began calling Maria and we talked and stuff and it was nice. I couldn't deny that she was still in my heart deeply. But the calls were few and far in between. I refused to call her everyday or every other day. I usually would call her once a month, if that. Sometimes I'd wait two to three months to call again. It wasn't to make her want me more. This time it was to spare my heart any more unnecessary heartache.
One night, as we talked over the phone, Maria suddenly said, "Why do you wait so long to call me back?" I didn't know what to say. I was way too embarrassed to say that I was still madly in love with her and couldn't risk having those feelings take over me again—because to me it seemed that every time I let those feelings take precinct in me they led me to make foolish decisions, like Theresa. So, I answered the question back, "I am just so busy, High School's a lot different than Jr. High."
After Maria called me out for not calling I promised I'd call as often as I could. This time around I began calling at least once or twice a month. It was nice. I loved hearing her voice. It was like heaven to my ears and made me happy every time I heard it.
Then, one night, a part of my dream finally came true as Maria finally confessed that she had feelings for me too. She soon admitted that she'd always had a crush on me but wanted to wait to date and wasn't sure how to convey that to me. She also let me know that when I dated Theresa it broke her heart and made her really sad—but not jealous. After she finished I expected us to hook-up, but there was no such luck. She wasn't ready...yet.
Time again went by and I just made sure to take it slow and nurture the relationship and let it grow. I wanted Maria to feel comfortable with me, to know that I'd treat her like the queen she was to me.
A couple of years had soon flew by and it was our Junior year in High School when I finally felt like it was the right time to ask her if we could make the relationship official. To the joy of my heart and soul, Maria replied yes. I honestly began dancing around like a giddy little school girl. It was one of the most happiest days of my life—a dream come true.
The relationship, however, already had a lot of odds stacked up against it. For one, I lived about forty to fifty miles away. But, we were both determined to make it work no matter what. It was wonderful. She usually went with me to every school dance and we always had fun. All of my friends loved her and were awed by her beauty and friendliness. For all you Twilight junkies, I quote Bella's line as something that described exactly how I felt for Maria, " I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with [her]."
So many happy memories occurred, I wish that I could cover them all. Whenever we went to our state's only theme park it was amazing. We'd have so much fun. The magic would just show for everyone. It must have been magic—cause I was under her spell.
Well, eventually I was struck with the most ingenious plan of all—it was February and Valentine's Day was on it's way so I figured what better way to celebrate then give her a pre-engagement engagement ring...A.K.A. a promise ring?
It took awhile to find the right ring, but thankfully I already knew what Maria's ring size was means we'd had a conversation about it years before. But when I finally found the right right, with my Grandma's help, I bought it and eagerly awaited the night I could slip it onto Maria's finger.
Before I knew it Valentine's Day had arrived and when I seen Maria's dress my heart literally melted. She was gorgeous as ever. I just knew that that night was going to be perfect, (I'd planned it thoroughly, so there was no doubt about that).
As I am writing this I finally seen the irony of the situation. I was in eighth grade when I had that Valentine's Dance with Maria before, and now here I was a Senior in High School at the Valentine's Dance with Maria as my girlfriend...and soon to be more.
Well, the dance went wonderfully and we had an amazing time. But I couldn't wait till we could get back to my house and I could pop the surprise to her. Soon, that time rolled around. When we got to my house it was full of romantic music and littered with confetti hearts that led to a lit fireplace in the living room. It was perfect, exactly how I imagined it to be. We then enjoyed a pastry on the floor as Maria tried to convey how much this meant to her. A part of her wanted to cry in joy. As we finished up our pastry I told her that I had one last surprise for her, means prior to the dance I'd given her yellow roses.
As I came up I asked Maria to close her eyes, she of course instantly shut them. I then knelt down on my knee and popped open the box and told Maria to open her eyes. Shock was abundant on her face, as tears began to swell up in her eyes. "It's a promise ring," I quickly whispered, "to symbolize my promise to marry you, to let you know that I will always love you." I then took the ring out of its box as Maria moved her left hand forward and spread her fingers so that I could easily place the ring on her finger. At this moment she began crying, but eventually she stopped and asked if she could my ring on my finger. I then spread my fingers and she placed the ring on my finger. We then began kissing passionately. It was one of the most happiest times of my life.
Our relationship was perfect and invincible, or at least that's what I thought. Things really began to unravel after my Grandma passed away. You see, my Grandma was my best friend and meant the world to me—I'll be blogging about her soon. But anyways, the loss I felt from losing her was unbearable. Thankfully, Maria was there to comfort me and wipe away the tears. We mourned together the woman we loved and cared about.
To my liking, Maria agreed to spend the night at my house after the funeral. It was great having her comfort. I didn't want to be alone—but I didn't want to be around anyone but her also. Well, one thing led to another with my grief and hers combined when we suddenly began intensely making out to the point that sex was near. We, however, had both agreed to be virgins until we were married. So, the fact that we almost succumbed to having sex really bothered Maria. She'd never been that close and that willing to have sex ever before in her life.
In tears, she soon admitted that a part of her was afraid about everything. She felt that she lacked experience, means she'd only seriously dated one other guy before me. My heart was crushed. I didn't know what to think. It was a break-up. I irately took off my ring as Maria went upstairs to the room she was staying in.
The next day, I was awoken by kisses from Maria. It was startling, but nice. I then glanced down and noticed she was still wearing her ring. I then looked at her seriously and asked where we stood, and she said she still wanted to be with me. I then said, "I'll put this ring back on because I love you, but the next time I take it off it stays off forever." How about more irony? :-/
Well, our relationship soon began hitting even more huge rocks as Maria expressed a desire to marry a Return Missionary, you see we were both members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I, however, didn't want to go on a mission. I knew that that wasn't something that I wanted or even felt I needed to do. This deeply upset Maria who was very devoted to her religion. On top of all of this, she also wanted to go on a mission, which really upset me. I just wanted us to get married as soon as possible, no delays. I just pestered her about her decision and she just pestered me about mine. Eventually, a lot of the lovey-dovey expressions began disappearing and we usually fought most of the time we were on the phone.
It soon became evident that things weren't going to change. We both had different ideals and no one was really willing to budge. We were to stubborn individuals and we felt the other should move before we made a move too.
With all of the tension eventually boiling to a point where it seemed we were suffocating I soon called it all off—a decision that still pains my heart. I, however, wasn't really giving up. I just figured that if we both maybe took a break from the relationship it would make it that much better once it was rejuvenated.
So, time soon began flying by and every time I made an attempt to reconcile it seemed like it fell through. My plan, once again, was flawed and going the complete opposite way from what I thought that it would.
Several times we came close to reconciling and getting back together. One time we began making out because the passion and everything just was so high and off the charts that we couldn't deny ourselves anymore. Unfortunately, nothing would ever come from it. We just ended up parting ways, Maria telling me we'd always be friends.
As the struggle went on we soon began saying rude things we didn't mean and slowly began turning into enemies. I then adamantly asked for her ring back and she gave it back via her Dad. It was all just too much. I knew I didn't want that ring back—I wanted it back on her finger. But it was too late. I couldn't undue what I said, nor could she.
We then never spoke again for quite some time...until recently. I am glad to report that, although we're not back together, we've both honestly forgiven each other for the mistakes, the words, the actions taken against each other. We're friends once again, like the way it was before I fell for her in 7th grade.
Now, that's not to say that the passion, the love, the hope isn't still there. It is. It always will be. But I guess I realized something huge through this process that helped me learn what love really is all about. Sometimes it's hard to give up, sometimes it's hard to forgive but love is something that never goes away, at least not true love. I will always have Maria with me. She'll always be a part of my life. She'll always be in my heart and on my mind. She was my first true love. She was the one I would die for back then and still die for now. She's ingrained in me. Yes, I will move on and, in fact, I have begun to. Yes, it's a painful process, full of tears and sorrows, but it is so rewarding. I wouldn't change a thing.
So, what helped me heal this heartbreak faster and proved to be a healthy fix? Well, this cure is something that costs nothing but your own personal effort—it's called forgiveness. Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves—to get well and move on.
Life is Beautiful.