Each Grain of Sand

Have you ever read a quote and felt as if it were directed at you? If you’re anything like me, then you probably have. There’s one quote in particular by Kaleel Jamison that really smacked me in the face when I read it. This is how it goes, “Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”
I’ve heard that quote several times in my life. I’ve always loved it...but I guess I’ve never really applied it. Recently, having let the quote slip away from my memory, I ran into it again. As I read it I felt like crying. The words were suddenly more powerful than they were the first time I read them. But alas, it opened up my eyes. I am now finally able to see my biggest problem, my biggest hang-up.
The quote, upon reading it again, took me back to my first love. She was the best thing to ever happen to me. I’d been patiently waiting for her and when she was finally my girlfriend…well…it felt like a dream. My love for her was so strong. But, unfortunately, my fear of losing her was too. I constantly worried that she wouldn’t want to be with me, that she’d find someone better and throw me to the curb. I was desperate to make sure that she’d be with me forever. That our love would never fail. I guess to put it in Kaleel’s words I closed my hand and began squeezing tightly to hold on only to see the sand trickling through my fingers.
Needless to say, the sand eventually disappeared from my hand. Our relationship was over. I had lost the one person I’ve ever truly loved. Looking back I am amazed at my mistakes. Everything I did was so possessive, suffocating. My insecurity became my biggest competitor. I became, in a sense, my own worst enemy.
Sadly, I still fight this problem. Almost every relationship I have ever been in has ended because of my fears, my insecurities. Who would’ve thought that one quote could open up someone’s eyes? It’s opened mine. Now I can see where I’ve gone wrong and what I need to do differently. It won’t be easy. But when has anything dealing with love been anything but difficult? I mean, that’s what makes love so amazing, the fact that you have to work at it each and every day.
I am saddened by the way many of my past relationships have been. But this is what life is about, learning from your mistakes, your flaws, and hopefully growing from them as well. I could say that I’m done and that love isn’t worth it. Sometimes I feel that way. But deep down inside I know that love is an amazing thing, the best feeling anyone could feel. So, to any of you that may be just like me, I say be strong. Keep your heads up and remember that you’re an amazing person who deserves someone that will treat you that way. I wish you nothing but love and happiness in your future and I hope that if you have any hang-ups, like me, you’ll try and work them out. Once you find the problem you can fix it. Nothing is impossible with the human mind. So, let’s use it to its fullest potential.
Life Is Beautiful.